| When you have to ask yourself what you really want, and you have other thoughts in mind... does that mean you should necessarily follow those thoughts, or are they just there? Ive been having some wishy-washy thoughts lately. And I cant quite come to. I know what I want, most days. But right now, I have not a thought on what I want out of life. So many aspects of it. I know Im happy. At least I think Im happy? What is happiness really though? I mean REALLY? I finally have this most amazing job that I love love love. And it should answer all my money problems Ive had for the last two years, which honestly arent too devestating, but for me its hanging over my head like a damned dark cloud. But whateva. So I should be happy, and know Im happy right? I cant quite put a finger on it lately. Im content. Not busting at the seams. When I say I want to do something, nothing makes me more frusterated and pissed off when somebody tells me different. Or when theyre so sarcastic, it makes you feel like it was just a stupid idea anyhow, and I get discouraged. When you try to do/say something serious and somebody just mogcks you... really!??!?! SLAP em'! Give them hell. I want to feel accomplished. I want to do things to better myself. I feel (and this is just a scenerio) like Im in a relationship that drags you down, and you ware yourself to the bone and deeper to keep everybody happy, but he/she's telling you this, and everybody else is telling you that. I feel like Ive lost my past in a way, I dont have those connections. If I leave this relationship, I have nothing. I start all over. New friends, new enemies, new insecurities, new worries, new confidence, new life. New fears. NEW is not always improved, like these all new and improved products they come out with. I could honestly scream til my throat bleeds. Until Im so hoarce, I dont want to talk for weeks. I want to be told to go to bed and rest for days. And the remedy? Music. Thinking music. Thats what I want. I want to listen to all my music, and fine more new music to obsess over, yes obsess. I want to take a brand new camera, and I want to take the most amazing pictures. I want to create a fake life, one that an author would create. And I want to fall into that world. And become the amazing person that becomes something, by picture taking, and writing something people think is worth reading. I want to be a character, who becomes another character in another story. Which wouldnt be half bad really... two worlds away? I'll take a one way ticket please. And I'll come back when I feel like Ive achieved something. Until then.... I'll be out of my mind, writing, and taking my pictures, and listening to my music, and figuring out life.. thats where I'll be. |
Moving in together in July. Was thinking a house at first, and then realized an apartment to save money and such. Only thing is, they have to accept cats, b/c were NOT getting rid of the boys!!!!!! 